This is a difficult post for me to write, it is my truth of my pregnancy. I wish that I could pretend I had the perfect pregnancy, that I had a partner to share all the wonderful experiences that pregnancy has to offer, but, I didn’t. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and throughout those years we always talked and got excited about moving in together, getting married, travelling and having babies together. We always talked about how great it would be when we were older and had a baby, how great it would be to show him the positive test, feel the baby kick, take pregnancy pictures, go to ultrasounds etc. We had this perfect picture painted for when we’re older.
Then it happened. Those two pink lines showed up, I was pregnant. When I first told him he was, of course, panicked and freaked out but we still were together. We would still hang out, tell each other “I love you”, go on dates etc. We had a bad habit of ignoring the situation when we should have been facing it head-on.
Things were going okay until school started. I was getting further along and he started drifting away. Texts no longer had hearts at the end, I was no longer being called “baby” or “babe”, he even stopped hanging out with me. Every single day I would go home and cry my eyes out because I had no one, my parents didn’t know I was pregnant yet and neither did any of my friends. I was so sad that every day and every weekend for the majority of my pregnancy I spent alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out. It was the painful type of crying, the one where you hold your stomach and breath so that no one can hear you even though you are desperately wanting to scream out in pain. He had panicked so bad he could no longer see me, the only time we would see each other was in the philosophy class where we sat on opposite sides of the room and occasionally would make small talk to each other. We still always texted but it was the personal contact I constantly craved. I used to slowly pack up my things at the end of class in hopes of both of us walking out the door at the same time and hoping he would talk to me.
Even though I am young, the first pregnancy is still the most special. You are experiencing everything for the first time. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted children, I was always so excited to experience the beautiful endeavours that come along with pregnancy but most of all I was excited to experience it with the love of my life. When you are pregnant you always want the father there every step of the way. You want him there to cuddle with you and feel the baby kick, to be there at every ultrasound and doctors appointment, to be there when you find out the gender, to help you make the nursery, to take pictures of your growing belly and to hold your hand when you give birth. I had to do everything alone, all of these moments I so badly wanted to share with him throughout the pregnancy had to be done all alone. All of these things that I wanted so badly that most women get to experience was taken away from me and is something I will never be able to get back. I didn’t even know if he was going to show up at the hospital. When I had to bring my hospital form into Joseph Brant Hospital the lady at the desk looked over my form and said “You forgot to fill in the part of who is going to be in the room with you” and I said ” No I didn’t, I just don’t have anybody”, the only person I wanted in the room was him but I didn’t know if he was going to even be there let alone in the delivery room. He missed all of the ultrasounds except the first one, never felt her kick and only felt my baby bump twice when he was forced to. I was even no longer invited to the Christmas Eve dinner with his family that I had attended the past two years before that. I constantly feared that Jade wouldn’t have her father in her life which broke my heart, a girl always needs her dad. This happy and beautiful experience was ruined and instead of it being a joyful thing to look back on it is just painful.
On the contrary to all of this, towards the last couple weeks of my pregnancy, he started to come around a little more often. He hung out with me a few times which made me indescribably happy, he was helping me off the couch and helping me sit up since it was getting very difficult. When I was in labour I was so happy that he had come to the hospital. He sat by the edge of the hospital bed holding my hand through the contractions and making me laugh to distract me from the pain. No words will ever be able to describe how happy I am that Jade has her father in her life. He has come a long way since finding out I was pregnant and he is growing as a father each and every day. He is such a huge financial support for Jade and she loves playing with her daddy. He treats both of us extremely well he even pays for me to get facials so that I can have some me time. Although I will always have the pain of his absence through my pregnancy I am happy to say that our relationship is so strong and that Jade and I love him with all of our heart.
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